Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A Real 40-Year-Old Virgin

Do you think some people are truly asexual, or are they just sexually repressed?

So there's this woman who is on my Top 10 List of Strangest People I've Known This Decade. She is 40 and still lives with her parents. They treat her like she's a 4-year-old. They cook and clean for her, do her errands, etc.

She's been morbidly obese her entire life. Except for a few stints with Jenny Craig, when she claims she "looked really really good". I find that a tad bit unlikely. I'm sorry to say, but she is not blessed with visible assets. I tried to picture her after she lost weight, but I still am dubious.

I realize people's faces change dramatically, but do your eyeballs lose weight? Her eyeballs are larger than any human being's I've ever seen. By faaaar, too. It has crossed my mind that she is one of the grey aliens. One day I will hear the mother ship hovering and she will shape shift before my normal-sized eyes.

She has some other deformities and is extremely large boned. I'm not sure any amount of Sweating to the Oldies is going to change the unfortunate curse Mother Nature has cast upon her, but I'm rooting for her anyway.

She also has a really bad dandruff problem. Like if you are sitting near her and she turns her head, you'll get it on you. She has a habit of brushing it off her shoulders without giving you notice to get out of the way, too. It's really gross. Once she mentioned it, and I suggested an ointment. She later told me it worked but it was too much bother to use, so the snowfall continues. It's really, really gross. When we eat together, I protect my plate and try not to inhale deeply. Srsly.

She's got a boatload of issues, and big ones--not wimpy ones, like, say, Cancer. (Just kidding there, come on! I'm trying to point out how serious her issues are. Aaaaaaaanyway........)

She's a huge, vocal bigot. This seems like someone in a glass house throwing stones for a lot of reasons, especially since she doesn't know the ethnicity of her biological parents.

She's got a lot of obsessions and isn't willing to get help. She's a compulsive overeater. (Might I add, with atrocious table manners? She does an odd thing with her tongue, kind of pushing the food around her mouth with her lips slightly parted, so you can see Digestion in Action.)

She's a total hypochondriac. No, I mean a real one. She has been tested, diagnosed, and treated for more imaginary illnesses than I can count.

One time she got a tiny pimple and was out of work for 10 days. She went to a surgeon about the pimple, getting her appointment on an emergency basis because it was so "urgent". The night before, she just couldn't wait, so she put a hot washcloth on it. She claims it was so hot that it gave her 3rd degree burns--she never gets 1st degree anything. She is unable to explain why she didn't just take it off when it began to burn.

She convinced the surgeon to prescribe antibiotics, then had a rash and upset stomach as a result of the antibiotics, so she had to stay out of work for 2 weeks.

Another time, she had a speckle of blood in her stool. Once. She went to several specialists and finally found one who agreed to do a colonoscopy. She couldn't figure out why no one thought the procedure was necessary. I mean, a morbidly obese compulsive overeater having one fleck of blood in her stool one time in 40 years isn't of concern?

The doctor didn't see anything wrong inside her pipes, but took a random biopsy to be sure. You know, since they were in the neighborhood. Then she went around telling everyone and their brother, and the poor UPS man who just wanted her to sign for a package so he could get the Hell outta there, that she had Colon Cancer. When I explored this for further details, she admitted she didn't have anything wrong with her colon. I suggested she get professional help at that point, but she won't.

This woman will literally mention her body functions and imagined ailments about every 5 minutes or so. It is really frustrating to be around her. Even when in groups or making small talks with random strangers, she diverts the conversation back to her gas, Cancer, or illness du jour.

And she's a never-been-kissed 40-year-old. That's right, she's never dated. She says she wants to date and constantly has crushes on one sexy male actor or another. She truly believes if she just gets in the front row at the next screening, he will see her and fall madly in love with her, as long as she's wearing her girdle. As if the girdle has superpowers to overcome all of her behavioral, emotional, and beauty deficiencies........

Once she mentioned that she hadn't ever had a boyfriend and asked if I thought that was abnormal. When people ask these questions, do they really expect you to answer? I suppose not, so I answered. ;) "Yes, that is abnormal."

She is incredulous when someone IRL gets married, or if one of her movie star crushes get married. She compares herself to the bride, cannot identify any differences, and is confused. One time a popular, attractive young star married a healthy, successful, beautiful model. I had to listen to hours of discussion about why it is confusing that he didn't marry her instead.

She said she is asexual, although she has "done other things"......which, come to find out, amounted to holding hands with one of her platonic friends when he was drunk.

Do asexual people spend hours each day obsessing about what their favorite opposite-sex movie star is doing and how to hook up?

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