Friday, May 29, 2009

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Gullible Churchy People

In a nutshell: Channeling dead spirits was popular in the 1980s. The Australia tv show 60 Minutes hired James Randi, famous skeptic and magician, to create a fake channeler to see if the public swallowed it.

He made up a fake bio for his student, including fake public appearances in many cities. He issued press releases and the media swallowed the story hook, line, and sinker. They ran the story without even verifying it.

Later when the channeler revealed his ruse, he received letters saying, "Don't listen to the media. We still believe in you." 8-

Off-Duty Officer Is Fatally Shot by Police in Harlem


A New York City police officer who had just gotten off duty was fatally shot late Thursday in East Harlem by a fellow officer who mistook him for an armed criminal....

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Bad Churchy Fashion

So what is it with certain Xian groups and their peculiar clothes?

There is one particular group—not sure what it is, maybe 7th Day Adventists or Born-Again Xians—that has attire all its own. It’s as if they are orbiting in their own universe, in a bubble, completely oblivious of fashion outside its own little microcosm.

First of all are the hats. I mean, I love the hats. I personally look terrible in them, but I think they are way kewl. They’re really sculptural—architectural even. The colors and embellishments are resplendent. Who doesn’t love an excuse to wear feathers?

{I wonder what the hats are all about though. I suspect they’re required for women to show submission to males as mentioned in the Bible, which is sick. If so, I take back all my compliments about the hats.}

Below the neck, that’s where they lose me. I guess I’d get kicked out of that church for my sensible shoes, let alone my resolute refusal to believe that penis people are superior to non-penis people.

Let me just digress for a moment to tell you about an important civil rights issue that’s largely ignored: women’s shoes. They are beautiful, tiny torture devices. No woman’s foot is shaped like a point. To train your toes to point inward is really an aberration of nature, and we should all be up in arms about it.

Instead, we l-o-v-e our torture devices. We pay lots of money for them. We ooh and aah over them in the shop window. Can you imagine us doing this if they were devices designed to beautify and permanently deform our hands? Of course not.

Furthermore, it is not terribly normal to walk around on a spike. Platform heels—I don’t mind those as much. At least your foot can be fooled into thinking it’s on the ground. Hiking your heel up a few inches in the air, while leaving the ball of the foot on the ground to absorb the shock, is an idea conceived by a misogynistic serial killer—I’m sure of it.

Is there an evangelist uniform? I saw about 150 of them outside a church recently, and I’d say 90% of them were wearing hats, strange sparkly clothes, and muffin tops.

What’s up with wearing shoes that are 3 sizes too small? It creates a ‘muffin top’ sort of effect on the foot, whereby the swelling and fat around the ankle and top of the foot form a puffy crest over the top of the shoe. Bizarre.

And why all the sparkles and lace on the clothes? It’s not the Oscars, for Pete’s sake. Does Jesus love you more if you wear bugle beads and sequins? Does glitter get you a promotion to a higher level of Heaven? Does lace trick St. Peter into thinking you’re extra holy when you’re being checked in at the pearly gates?

And one more thing: suits. The glitter is on suits, not dresses. Oh, the suits have different colors and somewhat varied shapes, but they’re all definitely suits. Jacket with buttons and a matching skirt (generously below-the-knee of course). The jackets have dangly beaded thingees with sequins attached. Or lace made from metallic thread. Maybe it’s just for convenience, so they don’t have to run home and change their clothes before heading to the disco after church.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Delusional Bible Guy

Time Cube
There's so much material here. hmmm....Where to start?

This dude begins by saying the Earth is a cube with 4 corners and our clock is an evil plot. It continues with incoherent ranting and raving about the stupidity of Americans, God, and the fact that it's ok to kill nonbelievers. Yeah, you read that right! /:| Need I even mention the requisite racist comments?

Oh, I know, you're thinking, "How can he get the Hot Mess Sundae Award in the Delusional Bible Guy category?" Well that's because I just lump 'em all together. ;)

"Dr. Gene Ray, Cube Phenomenologist and THE WISEST HUMAN
The ONLY Official Site for Gene Ray/TimeCube.
Gene Ray is sole Authority on Harmonic Time Cube.
Collection of raw data on this Site will empower the Greatest Book ever written. That includes Bibles and Academic Scientific Books. Stop evil Ad Hominemism."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Bizarre Church Lady Stuff

What can I say? A friend gave me these beauts. The envelope has writing on both the front and the back, in ALL CAPS of course, with some random words highlighted in electric yellow. Inside there are a few pamphlets, all with crosses and Jesus on them. The black-and-white one is particularly strange. Random words are in ALL CAPS, bold, or underlined in red.

Apparently if you become a member of the Seed Harvest Plan (some donation scheme no doubt), you will be cured of Cancer, addictions, and of the ever-so-terrible Low Income Syndrome. Yes, all you have to do is donate your cash to this group and God will zap you with his Special Wealth Lightning Bolts.

There are two pages of testimonials. Curious--God seems to dole out his Financial Blessings in small doses. He seems to give only $3000 - $24,750. Maybe the economy is hurting the Almighty too.

Of special interest is the sealed inner flyer that says, "IMPORTANT - Only break open this sealed prophecy after you have put this Postcard and your prayer requests back in the mail..." [No, that's not me going crazy with my caps button. It's actually captialized that way.]

So we broke open the seal without sending the cash, of course. We were hoping for lottery numbers. What we got is an entire page in ALL CAPS again, that says a load of nothing. Well, I take that back. It does say I will feel the INNER POWER OF CHRIST GROWING INSIDE ME.

I think I do feel the inner power growing inside me!!!1! Or is that just the bran muffins I had for breakfast?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Disturbing TV ad

Have you seen the new ad--I think it's for some sort of gum--set in a laundromat? I can't even remember what product it's advertising, since the plot is so stupid and bizarre.

A couple is in a laundromat I think. They kiss, and all of a sudden, the woman starts spinning around while still maintaining full lip contact. The camera goes back to show the full body shot. Kind of looks like a windmill.

Very strange, and somewhat disturbing really. I'll post a link to the video if I find one.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Kevin Trudeau

Unbelievable. How is this guy not in prison?

I am still seeing his mug on infomercials for his book, even though he’s allegedly a convicted felon, keeps writing books that get poor reviews, and in the past was ordered by a federal court not to do infomercials for his books.

Apparently his books suck too! His latest travesty, Debt Cures THEY Don’t Want You to Know About, now has an average 2.5 star rating on LOL

For the best entertainment, read the book review by “J. FERRARA ‘Jay’”. It’s really hilarious.

Here’s a snippet from Jay's review: “Wow what can I say except I have never read anything quite like Debt Cures before in my life! It was a total surprise. I can't believe this got published. Is this a 2nd grader writing a composition for a teacher who wanted information about clearing up credit card debt? Instead, out of protest he writes a book of twenty-four chapters of mostly repeat information. About sixty percent of the book is repeated over and over. What are usable lies in about thirty pages of this three hundred page book which can be found in other sources.”

What is a pandemic?

"What is an influenza pandemic?

A disease epidemic occurs when there are more cases of that disease than normal.

A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic of a disease."

--World Health Organization

Personally I think some people hear the word "pandemic" and either say it's all hype or freak out, thinking we're all doomed. Neither is what the word actually means.