Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Nude Figure Drawing

So I've done nude figure drawing. Do you want to hear about it?

[You said nude. *Beevis and Butthead laugh*]

In a college drawing course, the professor announced we'd be doing figure drawing the next week. She didn't mention there would be naked people milling around the art building. Students were whispering to each other after class, trying to figure out if there would be nudes.

Day 1 arrives. There is a fugly troll of a woman standing by the entrance unabashedly smoking in a dirty, threadbare, transparent white t-shirt which came barely to the bottom of her lady bits. And nothing else. Her cottage cheese butt cheeks were hanging out the back. Apparently it was too much of a bother to put on undergarments to go outdoors. Her business was dark and clearly distinguishable.

This is a conservative college! Now I happen to think the human body is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of, but for the love of FSM, put some gosh darn pants on when you leave the room!

Ms. Rumpelstilkskin was completely uninhibited while posing, making extra effort to spread her legs in the most unpleasant of poses. *shudders*

I mean, I do not know what educational purpose it serves to show me your apricot. Her choice of grooming was the circa 1970 bush and unshaven legs. These things didn't help to make her easier on the eye. But Hell, I'm a woman--I've got the same hardware, just a newer, sleeker model--so I deal with it.

Surviving that, Day 2 arrives. There is a naked creepy sort of man milling around in the classroom with the blinds and door wide open.

The other students had wisely decided to arrive early to get the easels furthest away from the model, so I'm stuck with the closest. He kind of looked albino and kept throwing long icy stares to the females, mostly me, since I was handiest. At one point I made a silent vow to myself to make a haste getaway if the flagpole decided to make an appearance.

I was at the time and trying to not freak out too much.

I busily focus on my artwork to divert my nervous energy. The professor notices I've finished most of my drawing except for the nether region. She turns off the lights and points a spotlight directly at his twigs and berries, and gets him to spread his legs further, with his weird albino* curlies. All I can think about is the James Bond movie with the evil creepy albino.

He put himself in a yoga pose.....which added to the silliness of the moment. I tried to keep a straight face. The other students were about ready to faint dead away and mouthing sympathies to me.

I hesitate whilst pretending to be in deep artistic contemplation. This apparently did not fool the professor, who took my hand and showed me how to draw his crotch in great detail, narrating it as she goes. The narration was necessary, apparently, to ensure I noticed every wrinkle and contour of his manhood.

*Before the entire albino population lashes out at me: I have nothing against melanin-challenged people. I have many friends who are melanin-challenged. I think melanin-challenged people should be able to.......wait a minute! Wrong group! Ok, no srsly, no harm intended. The fact that his pubic hair and eyes were absent of color simply added to the overwhelming sensory experience of it all, and I had to mention it.

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