Sunday, December 27, 2009

Jesus' Words

So I've been thinking lately?how awesome it would be for someone to start up a religion based only on what Jesus Christ actually said.

Not that I'd join up, but if it caught on, the world would be a better place. Or at least America would be.

I mean, let's just see what was actually important to the central figure of Christianity, after whom the religion is named. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that he would mention things that was really important for us to know?

So what did he actually say? Here's what I've come up with so far.

Bear in mind, he never said there would be a holy book, so we can't really be sure what we've got is comprehensive. But I'm pretty certain a powerful god would be able to let us know anything he wanted us to know.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

So I guess locksmiths wouldn't be needed.

"What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?"

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Not a bad idea at all. Treat others how you want to be treated.

"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

OK, so we can put the unemployed locksmiths to work making bigger needles. Problem solved.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight."

Great energy-saving initiative. No lights needed. Stumble around in the dark and have faith you won't trip.

"For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

"Yes I am with you always, until the very end of time."

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

"For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son."

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world."

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light."

Again, it's quite clear Jesus was interested in energy conservation.

"Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence. Love others as well as you love yourself."

"In the world you will have trouble but take courage for I have conquered the world."

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

Remain in him? How?

"Look at the bird as of the air; your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Apparently the Lord needs to visit a few drought-laden African countries.

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

Here the Lord expresses concern for constipation. How considerate of him!

"Let the little children come to me, and do not forbid them; for "of such is the kingdom of heaven."

"You will be greater than all the others. Judas, you will sacrifice the man that clothes me."

"Very truly, I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them."

So far I can't find quotes about hating non-Christians, theism, creationism, despising homosexuality, and many other things. But hey, I'm sure someone in cyberspace can find it for me.

Monday, December 21, 2009

"Put the Christ Back in Xmas" Gone Wild

Wow, this site sure has it all--nutty rambling, cheesy graphics, historical inaccuracies, and a Christmas tree with a giant wooden cross leaning on it.

I wonder WTH these people would say to Jesus if he was here (and actually existed).

"Welcome, baby Jesus. Skip the frankincense. Here's a tree with a giant replica of your murderer's weapon."

I would like to start a "Put the Saturnus Back in Christmas" movement. Who's with me?