Thursday, December 8, 2011

The cheesecake of 1000 knives

Prepare yourself for another irreverent post. I forgive myself, since for the last 18 hours I have been experiencing a sensation most comparable to having dozens of tiny Ginsu knives slowly inserted simultaneously into your thighs, stomach and anus, and then turned.  Sometimes the pain is so bad my eyes start to turn black--especially convenient when operating a motor vehicle. And anyway, cussing relieves pain, so writing this post will probably be worth a few dozen m*&^%$#f$#@$%s. At least that's what I'm hoping.

I had colon cancer a few years ago and had a colon resection. My surgical team told me I'd be back to normal in 3 weeks since I'm young and skinny. Nope. I couldn't even function in polite society for 6 months, if you know what I mean.

Even now, I have to eat in a specific way or face the consequences. Lots of good fat--apparently I can't digest fat like normal people and only have a hope of normalcy if I pile on the Olivio or avocados. Lots of fiber. Lots of vegetables. Now for the "no-nos". No meat or rice, or the Ginsu knives will come. Not too many bananas, not much white flour or sugar, and go easy on the starches. Very little dairy. I mean 1 serving per day, or the Ginsumaster will be doing his handiwork. 4-6 small meals. Sufficient coffee each day (4 shots of espresso) to stimulate my plumbing.

Water, you ask? Yeah, about that. Drinking lots of water has had no affect on this issue. Not drinking enough does, but only if I drink so little I'm dehydrated.

So yesterday I had 1 thin slice of cheese and a thin slice of cheesecake along with a plateful of vegetables and whole grains. For this indulgence I am rewarded with Ginsu.

The people at work praise me for "eating healthy" at lunch. Nope. I'm just a chicken s$#t. I am only eating that to avoid the Ginsu.

When things get backed up--hey, wait a minute, I'll just say it: CONSTIPATED--I have had to employ all over-the-counter and folk remedies available. I do a form of acrobatics on the toilet because moving around opens the pipes. I get a lot of reading done.  Maybe I should invent a table to hold the laptop in the powder room so I could blog in there.  Heck, I've done conference calls in there.

Heating pads. Warm baths. Relaxation techniques. Those pretty much do nothing for the plumbing. Milk thistle, now that works. I can't take it daily because of the other side effects, but I will take it in a bind, so to speak. (hahaha, you have to admit that was a funny pun.) Stool softeners, suppositories, enemas and--as a last resort--laxatives, have become my friends.

But really, get a colonoscopy if you are having symptoms, you're aged 50 or older, or your doctor recommends it. Had I done that when it was suggested, I wouldn't have become a cancer survivor at age 38. They would have removed the polyp in the doctor's office when it was in the precancerous stage and today I would be sleeping at 4 am instead of writhing around, cussing and blogging about poop.

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