Jesus' Words

So I've been thinking lately?how awesome it would be for someone to start up a religion based only on what Jesus Christ actually said.

Not that I'd join up, but if it caught on, the world would be a better place. Or at least America would be.

I mean, let's just see what was actually important to the central figure of Christianity, after whom the religion is named. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that he would mention things that was really important for us to know?

So what did he actually say? Here's what I've come up with so far.

Bear in mind, he never said there would be a holy book, so we can't really be sure what we've got is comprehensive. But I'm pretty certain a powerful god would be able to let us know anything he wanted us to know.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

So I guess locksmiths wouldn't be needed.

"What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?"

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Not a bad idea at all. Treat others how you want to be treated.

"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

OK, so we can put the unemployed locksmiths to work making bigger needles. Problem solved.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight."

Great energy-saving initiative. No lights needed. Stumble around in the dark and have faith you won't trip.

"For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

"Yes I am with you always, until the very end of time."

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

"For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son."

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world."

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light."

Again, it's quite clear Jesus was interested in energy conservation.

"Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence. Love others as well as you love yourself."

"In the world you will have trouble but take courage for I have conquered the world."

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

Remain in him? How?

"Look at the bird as of the air; your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Apparently the Lord needs to visit a few drought-laden African countries.

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

Here the Lord expresses concern for constipation. How considerate of him!

"Let the little children come to me, and do not forbid them; for "of such is the kingdom of heaven."

"You will be greater than all the others. Judas, you will sacrifice the man that clothes me."

"Very truly, I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them."

So far I can't find quotes about hating non-Christians, theism, creationism, despising homosexuality, and many other things. But hey, I'm sure someone in cyberspace can find it for me.

"Put the Christ Back in Xmas" Gone Wild

http://www.bosscreations.net/buyers.html

Wow, this site sure has it all--nutty rambling, cheesy graphics, historical inaccuracies, and a Christmas tree with a giant wooden cross leaning on it.

I wonder WTH these people would say to Jesus if he was here (and actually existed).

"Welcome, baby Jesus. Skip the frankincense. Here's a tree with a giant replica of your murderer's weapon."

I would like to start a "Put the Saturnus Back in Christmas" movement. Who's with me?

Contradictions in terms

I am home early today because I felt sick, and I'm watching The Doctors.

There is a woman on talking about how embarrassed she is to buy condoms. She brought a camera with her to the store to show how she puts the box in her basket underneath other items, and sometimes dons a disguise (with demo).

Then she went to the show to talk about how horribly embarrassed she feels if people know she buys condoms.

On national television. :{

The history of this blog's name

The term "hot mess" (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hot+mess) was popularized on one of my favorite shows, Project Runway. It means a person is a real mess, or a combination of hot and a mess at the same time--a contradiction.

I can't think of a more apt term for the edgy, odd posts in this blog.

I happen to love hot fudge sundaes, so "hot mess sundae" is kind of tribute to the ultimate hot mess. 8)

I've decided to become a conservative

Yep, you read that correctly. I'm defecting!

I do not believe in government interfering with people's personal lives, when those things do not impinge on others' rights.

I do not believe government should be meddling in people's private bedroom activities--not in who they can marry nor what consenting adults can do with each other.

The government should not be telling consenting adults who can put which body part into which orifice, and whether or not they can wear wedding rings while doing it.

The government should not be meddling in women's wombs either. No one loves abortions, but it shouldn't be a bureaucrat's decision whether or not a pregnancy is terminated.

I'm conservative about the separation of church and state too. The state shouldn't be involved in and funding people's practice of religion (to the extent that religion doesn't harm others, of course). That should be something private citizen's do without governmental meddling or sanction.

I'm conservative about funding people's hobbies--religious activities and sports teams that are not part of a public school curriculum.

I'm conservative about forcing taxpayers to bear the burden of property taxes not paid by religious organizations.

That makes me a conservative, right? ;)

Avoid Halloween haunted houses because they’re too demonic? Take the children to a Revelation walk. Less demon possession, more gore and violence

I’ve just learned that some fundie Xians are conducting alternatives to haunted houses at Halloween time in the form of a walk-through version of the Book of Revelation.

Frankly I’m not sure what the objection is to Halloween in the first place.  It’s just our way of coping with inevitable death.  Seeing a skeleton or ghost makes light of the reality of death.  If a person doesn’t want to dress their children as witches or devils, fine, but no Halloween at all seems a bit stuffy and extreme to me.  Whatever.

Making an even scarier alternative to haunted houses doesn’t make much sense.  The purpose of a haunted house is to make light of death.  Are we making light of Revelation now?  I mean, of course I always am (snicker snicker) but the fundies−is that the purpose of this thing?

Revelation is full of violence, revenge, supernatural, and mythical creatures.  How is that better than collecting candy dressed as Batgirl?

This blog has a great explanation of this phenomena.

A whole lot of crazy goin’ on there.

Origami Creche

For all your folded paper deity needs.

Jealous of Jesus appearing in other people's inanimate objects? Get your own Jesus bread

New "Gone Wild" video released, except instead of breast baring, there's chest thumping

Sickening.

Psychiatrists to blame for Holocaust

Just got a copy of a Scientology book. /:? What a treasure. Not!

I decided to see how many pages I could read before finding an inaccuracy or lie. Bam! Page 1: Man was nonviolent and something recently changed him.

Yadda yadda yadda...more bullshit...yadda yad--!? Whoa! It's the psychiatrists' fault! Conjure up the most popular boogeyman (Hitler) right on cue. Yep. Psychiatrists did that too.

Was our oldest ancestor a proton-powered rock? - life - 19 October 2009 - New Scientist

Was our oldest ancestor a proton-powered rock? - life - 19 October 2009 - New Scientist

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Weird Nativity Scenes

I suspect if Xians found out a Muslim or Atheist was making a sculpture of the Holy Family out of marshmallows, they'd be outraged and feeling persecuted. It seems it's ok for them to do it themselves, though??

Check out these weird creches, and please share pics of other weird ones!

And could someone explain the need for a portable nativity scene? kthxbai

"Everything in the world has a non-Voodoo explanation."

--Adrian Monk

Atheists say NASA is violating separation of church and state

Atheists say NASA is violating separation of church and state

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More evidence of Fox News distorting the facts....

...as if we needed any more evidence!

The Law: Can Atheists Be Parents?

The Law: Can Atheists Be Parents?

Idaho Says No to Bible as a Textbook at Charter School : Dispatches from the Culture Wars

Idaho Says No to Bible as a Textbook at Charter School : Dispatches from the Culture Wars

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Fundie polygamists are no longer considered victims. Who knew?

After months of haggling over every period, definition, connotation and allusion, the state's Safety Net Committee has released a revised guide to understanding so-called fundamentalist Mormon communities in Utah, Arizona and as far away as Missouri and Canada.

The Primer , as the booklet is known, now has a neutral tone that no longer promotes the idea that fundamentalist Mormons, many of whom practice polygamy, are "victims" of groups who experience more domestic violence or abuse than other populations, said Pat Merkley, Safety Net Committee director.

"I think we have produced the best dialogue we possibly could," Merkley said. "It is a true consensus."

The Primer is primarily designed for use by law enforcement and social services agencies, but Merkley said it also has been of wide interest to the public.

The first version of The Primer was put together by the Utah Attorney General's Office in 2005, and it has been a "sore spot" with many fundamentalist Mormons who did not like its disparaging tone and over-generalizations, Merkley said.

The guide's new introduction is an example of the difference in approach. Previously, it told the story of one woman's "escape" from the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Now it attributes the origins of The Primer to a recognition that those who "elect to leave" fundamentalist Mormon communities have unique needs. ...

Here's the primer: http://attorneygeneral.utah.gov/cmsdocuments/The_Primer.pdf

IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH!!!1!

Ben and Jerry's now carries a 200-calorie, 1-serving size bin of ice cream.

The quality of my life just improved immensely.

That is all. Carry on. 8)

Health care reform: What would Jesus do?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

We've Been Cursed by Gordo! : Dispatches from the Culture Wars

We've Been Cursed by Gordo! : Dispatches from the Culture Wars

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Fake Chef Shows

I do like watching cooking shows--competitions or ones run by trained professional chefs who actually have good ideas to share.

I am noticing lately.....there are more and more useless shows. The usefulness of the shows tends to be negatively correlated with the education + experience level of the 'chef'.

Some are not even real chefs.

Down Home with the Neeleys. Please. Who doesn't know how to batter and deep fry, throw together a sauce made from a can of soup, and serve it with Jello mixed with Cool Whip? Why are you on tv? I want the last 30 minutes of my life back.

Paula Deen. Histrionic deep south accent, sayings, and mannerisms. Just be yourself, Paula--no need to be so phony. And again, I know how to cook with refrigerated biscuit dough, cake mix, marshmallow fluff, butter, butter, and butter. Big whoop.

Whatsername with the 30-minute meals. Gross ideas. Crumble some ginger snaps over pork and put it in the oven. Or non-ideas, such as warm some berries and serve them over sorbet. How do I get a multi-million-dollar gig cooking uncreative things and selling cookbooks?

Whatsername with the semi-homemade stuff. Should be called 'barely homemade'. Put some food coloring and flavored extract into *gag* a can of frosting and call it a cooking show? And did you notice there's always a lot of alcohol...?

I'm not trying to be snobby, but sheesh, isn't it disrespectful to the profession when hobbyists pretend to have the equivalent level of quality to offer us?

Should we be concerned over the nomination of a born-again evangelical Christian to head the National Institutes of Health?

Some have made the argument that President Obama's nomination of Francis Collins, a born-again Christian geneticist, to head the National Institutes of Health is a disservice to the science community because it promotes someone who is known as an apologist for religion. Are they correct? Does the fact that Collins is considered so unique because of his open embrace of religion demonstrate that most scientists believe there is a conflict between science and religion?...click the link to read the rest of the story...

Congress Wants "God" in Capitol Visitor Center

Congress earlier this month passed legislation requiring the words "In God We Trust" as well as the Pledge of Allegiance to be etched into the walls of the cavernous complex, which sits underneath the Capitol building and greets thousands of tourists each day.

The Los Angeles Times, however, reports that the Freedom From Religion Foundation, a Wisconsin-based association of atheists and agnostics, has filed a federal lawsuit to stop the engraving.

The group argues the engraving would be unconstitutional because it would "give actual and apparent government endorsement and advancement of religion," while excluding nonreligious Americans.

Physics and Physicists: Solar Eclipse Pits Superstition Against Science

Physics and Physicists: Solar Eclipse Pits Superstition Against Science

Jimmy Carter Leaves Church Over Treatment of Women -- Politics Daily

Jimmy Carter Leaves Church Over Treatment of Women -- Politics Daily

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Oh, My. Obama Appoints Theist as NIH Chief

This man is now one of the most powerful scientists in the entire world. *shudders*

Is this a sad day for science?

Interviewed on Religulous

Discussed on Bill Maher Show

Britney Spears Saved My Life

Sad, sad--new depths of sadness previously unplumbed. A documentary of people saved from their tragic lives by Britney's lyrics.

And a video on the subject:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrqQBFHSQ_M&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.longislandpress.com%2F2009%2F07%2F07%2Fbritney-spears-saved-my-life%2F&feature=player_embedded

What will life be like for Michael Jackson's kids if his mom gets custody?

Michael Jackson's mother is allegedly a Jehovah's Witness and his dad is not.

In that "religion", the male is the "head of the household" and the wife must obey him. That means if he orders her to let them do certain things normal kids do, she can't override his decision.

Usually in families like this, which the "religion" calls "divided households", the wife does as much as she can to get the kids to comply with the multitude of liturgical rules, even if she must do so secretly ("theocratic strategy").

Depending upon how much Mrs. Jackson is able to do regarding the kids' lifestyles, here are some of the things they can look forward to.

1. No birthdays, Christmases, Easters, etc.
2. No celebrations or activities that elevate an individual or make an individual the center of attention.
3. Limited or no use of the Internet or cell phones.
4. No participation in contact sports or games like chess that involve competition.
5. No participation in anything to do with other religions, even swimming at the YMCA.
6. No dating. (Only exception: Both parties are at the legal age of marriage and are interested in marrying the other.)
7. No socializing with non-JWs, including school dances, proms, clubs, etc.
8. No college.
9. No jobs that involve other religions, magic, tobacco, giving blood transfusions, or carrying a weapon.
10. Attend 4 hours of church meetings each week.
11. Attempt to convert nonbelievers by visiting at their homes or handing out literature on street corners.
12. No psychiatrists, counselors, or self-help groups.
13. No medical treatment that entails or could lead to use of products made from human blood, even your own.
14. No swearing.
15. No porn or PG-13 movies.
16. No toasts (the kind with wine).
17. No wind chimes.
18. No wearing clothes that are tight, revealing, brightly colored, skirts above the knee, or skirts/dresses without slips/camisoles, or wearing too much makeup.
19. No wearing crosses, Stars of David, or any religious items.
20. No throwing rice at weddings.
    

How happy do you think they'll be?

loljjesus

Dark Chocolate Pasta

Tried this unusual dish today! The pasta is sweet and tastes quite distinctly of dark chocolate.

I made it with a white sauce flavored with vanilla bean and instant espresso powder, but honestly I think it would be better made with mashed strawberries warmed with a little sugar. I'm going to try that tomorrow, maybe with some shaved white chocolate so it will look like Parmesan Cheese.

Definitely a Hot Mess Sundae, but a delicious one!

Coworkers with God

I’m talking about Eckanar. The name apparently means, "coworker with God".

There is a guy on my local public access TV station who I fear is suffering from a major mental illness of some sort. He basically says, “the light and sound of God,” over and over and over for the entire program. I’m serious. I guess he didn’t read the Wikipedia entry that says they don’t proselytize.

This prompted me to look into this religion. It seems to be some sort of New Age group formed in the 60s.

Basically they seem to believe in soul travel, planes of existence, yadda yadda. I think they believe their teachings originate with aliens. Yawn. Mixed in are some random teachings from Indian religions. Yawn again.

One of its leaders was named Darwin, hahaha, irony. He was apparently asked to step down from his position and now is an outspoken former member, though he has been accused of misappropriating Eckankar funds.

I wonder what it's like to be God's coworker. I'll bet he never steals your lunch from the fridge or turns the AC too low, but it's a bitch to compete with Him for promotions.

Why are fundies so often anti-environmentalists?

I've noticed Xian extremists tend to think destroying other species and the Earth is a good thing, kind of like exercising our right to be oh-so-superior to everyone and everything else.

I've never seen anything in the Bible that even suggests this.

Case in point:

"Let me introduce "us". The "us" consists of my husband Walt (a Numismatist who lends a hand to help when he can) and myself (Wendy) and our thirteen children.

Children truly are a blessing from the Lord. When we cooperate with the Lord and allow new life to be created, we have actually given our Lord a gift, too...another soul for eternity! How awesome is that?!

We also home educate and live a simple life on our farm...raising chickens, cows, organic and hydroponic gardening, all that kind of simple and fun stuff. Connecting with nature connects us with God. Don't worry, you won't find us hugging trees...we worship the CREATOR not the creation! Just good ol' Simple Catholic Living.

I was also wondering--what's up with Incorrect Capitalization AND ALL CAPS And Exclamation Points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and the having 48 children?

Pimping the Pledge of Allegiance

I recently heard of a radio station who is getting paid sponsorship for the Pledge of Allegiance at one of their events. They are actually going to do the Pledge and say it's sponsored by whomever.

I find this totally gross.

What do you think?

Malignant Impatience

For example: Yesterday while crossing a busy, cramped parking lot, my friend and I wisely paused for 1.5 seconds to ensure a driver who was backing up saw us. With nowhere to stand during this ginormous 1.5 second interlude, we rudely blocked access to an open spot by another driver who was waiting for it.

He sarcastically yelled, "TAKE YOUR TIME! NO RUSH OR ANYTHING," a tongue lashing we surely deserved.

So srsly, if someone's life is so terrible that a 1.5 second delay is cause to raise blood pressure and voices, well, I guess he needs a new life. Sorely.

Many a time, if I delay gunning the engine for more than a half a second when the light turns green, I'm treated to the same dialogue, along with angry honking of the horn.

Is it just New Yorkers who are like this?

Cool Charity

Yoga Bear is a volunteer based non-profit 501(c)(3) that incorporated in December 2006 in San Francisco and now operates in 22 states throughout the US. Yoga Bear supports the belief that cancer patients and survivors can benefit from yoga as a complementary treatment in cancer recovery. Dedicated to providing patients and survivors with more opportunities for wellness and healing, Yoga Bear matches them with local yoga classes free of charge.


Since its founding, Yoga Bear has expanded to connect hundreds cancer patients and survivors with more than 140 partner yoga studios across the nation. Yoga Bear also provides on-site yoga classes in hospitals (Kaiser, Maimonides, and Mt. Sinai), cancer centers, and support groups such as The American Cancer Society and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

Yoga Bear is creating a supportive community for its constituents by being devoted to issues concerning quality of life for cancer survivors. Providing yoga instruction to those with a limited income due to treatment costs is Yoga Bear's top priority.

Blogging For a Cause

Supercalifragalistic Bowel Prep!

We'll be bringing you today's post after this brief Public Service Announcement.

Colon screening saves lives and saves money. That's right--precancerous cells can be detected and removed during colon screening tests, thus preventing them from turning into Cancer! If you are aged 50 or above, or your doctor recommends you have colon screening due to various high risk conditions, DO IT! It's really, really not that bad......as long as you know the inside scoop.

So here's the inside scoop (or should I say poop?)!

After doing pre-procedure bowel preparation regimes a few times, a lady learns a few tricks. In this case, these tricks make the difference between Hell on Wheels and a mild inconvenience. (Of course this is all pretty subjective, but here it is FWIW. And make sure you run all this by your doctor and follow his/her recommendations.)

Shopping list:

Ginger herb tea

Peppermint herb tea

Clear liquids (low-sodium broths, juices, sodas)

Baby wipes with aloe (1 box of 72 oughta do it)

2 pairs comfy, warm ankle socks that don’t fall off when you turn over in bed

Stretchy pants

Super-comfortable bra, if you wear one (sports bra perhaps)

Comfy shirt and zip-style sweatshirt (hoodie)

Reading material for the waiting room

Pitcher for ice water

Soft, low-fiber foods/snacks

Peanut butter

Pico-Salax

Anti-nausea medication (without red coloring)

5 days before: Stop eating all red or purple foods/drinks, nuts, and seeds.

2 days before: Eat soft, low-fiber foods. Have a late night high-protein snack. Drink plenty of fluids, get a little exercise, stretch, and take a hot bath.

Pack your procedure bag. Bring your reading material, a pillow/blanket for the car, a plastic bag and towel (just in case you vomit), the address of your destination, a spoon and peanut butter for a quick protein jolt afterwards.

Set out your outfit for procedure day as well. I find the procedure rooms to be ice cold, but you can wear your socks and top under your gown. That's why I wear something long-sleeved. I wear stretchy pants because it's much more comfortable if you need to slouch in the car on the way home.

1 day before: Take anti-nausea pills as directed (make sure there’s no red dye in them). Fill a pitcher with ice water. Put your Baby Wipes in the bathroom. Get a piece of paper and pen. Make a chart, each row being the hours between 8 am and bedtime and label columns: Pico-Salax, liquids, anti-nausea medication. Record your activities to make sure you are following the regime recommended by your doctor.

Get blankets ready as you might feel really chilly once you take the solution. From now on when you go to the bathroom, use the Baby Wipes, even if you don’t think it’s necessary. Believe me, you’ll thank me later.

Light some candles in the bathroom to pretend you’re giving yourself a nice spa treatment. It also helps with the odor. ;)

Keep your pitcher with ice water nearby so you don’t have to keep running to the fridge.

Take Pico-Salax—the directions on my package said to drink 1 sachet dissolved in 5 oz. of water, at 8 am, and repeat at 2 pm. This is actually a pleasant tasting drink reminiscent of orange Tang. It is made with citric acid and sugar but doesn’t have an orange color. (My physician commented that the bowel was well prepped.)

Serve it over ice in a Martini glass with a tiny paper umbrella. Wear your sunglasses and pretend you’re on the deck of a cruise ship enjoying a Pina Colada. ;)

Drink clear liquids as directed. Don’t go overboard with juices and sodas; the sugar overload can add to nausea. Stick to water, a little clear broth, and herb teas. Even if you’re not into herb tea, I highly recommend peppermint tea and ginger tea—great for nausea and not terribly bad tasting. I tend to steep it much longer than the directions say so it’s not too bland.

Broths—make sure there’s no red or purple stuff in them. You can strain them over 5 coffee filters if you’re not sure they’re clear enough.

Take naps often. ;)

Procedure day: Drink as many liquids as permitted. If you tend to be nauseated after anesthesia, ask for anti-nausea medication in your IV.

Afterwards I recommend not sitting up until you’ve farted a generous amount (about half a dozen times or so). I did that once and apparently I trapped the gas in my abdomen. I was in excruciating pain in the middle of the night. To do the procedure, air is actually pumped into your colon to inflate it. You have to get it out afterwards or you’ll be in terrible pain.

Relax as much as you can. The worst part is the prep. The procedure is easy peasy.

Good luck!

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Gullible Churchy People

In a nutshell: Channeling dead spirits was popular in the 1980s. The Australia tv show 60 Minutes hired James Randi, famous skeptic and magician, to create a fake channeler to see if the public swallowed it.

He made up a fake bio for his student, including fake public appearances in many cities. He issued press releases and the media swallowed the story hook, line, and sinker. They ran the story without even verifying it.

Later when the channeler revealed his ruse, he received letters saying, "Don't listen to the media. We still believe in you." 8-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0hgP3ioAeA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBFzdvtwNaw&feature=related

Off-Duty Officer Is Fatally Shot by Police in Harlem

By RUSS BUETTNER and AL BAKER

A New York City police officer who had just gotten off duty was fatally shot late Thursday in East Harlem by a fellow officer who mistook him for an armed criminal....

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Bad Churchy Fashion

So what is it with certain Xian groups and their peculiar clothes?

There is one particular group—not sure what it is, maybe 7th Day Adventists or Born-Again Xians—that has attire all its own. It’s as if they are orbiting in their own universe, in a bubble, completely oblivious of fashion outside its own little microcosm.

First of all are the hats. I mean, I love the hats. I personally look terrible in them, but I think they are way kewl. They’re really sculptural—architectural even. The colors and embellishments are resplendent. Who doesn’t love an excuse to wear feathers?

{I wonder what the hats are all about though. I suspect they’re required for women to show submission to males as mentioned in the Bible, which is sick. If so, I take back all my compliments about the hats.}

Below the neck, that’s where they lose me. I guess I’d get kicked out of that church for my sensible shoes, let alone my resolute refusal to believe that penis people are superior to non-penis people.

Let me just digress for a moment to tell you about an important civil rights issue that’s largely ignored: women’s shoes. They are beautiful, tiny torture devices. No woman’s foot is shaped like a point. To train your toes to point inward is really an aberration of nature, and we should all be up in arms about it.

Instead, we l-o-v-e our torture devices. We pay lots of money for them. We ooh and aah over them in the shop window. Can you imagine us doing this if they were devices designed to beautify and permanently deform our hands? Of course not.

Furthermore, it is not terribly normal to walk around on a spike. Platform heels—I don’t mind those as much. At least your foot can be fooled into thinking it’s on the ground. Hiking your heel up a few inches in the air, while leaving the ball of the foot on the ground to absorb the shock, is an idea conceived by a misogynistic serial killer—I’m sure of it.

Is there an evangelist uniform? I saw about 150 of them outside a church recently, and I’d say 90% of them were wearing hats, strange sparkly clothes, and muffin tops.

What’s up with wearing shoes that are 3 sizes too small? It creates a ‘muffin top’ sort of effect on the foot, whereby the swelling and fat around the ankle and top of the foot form a puffy crest over the top of the shoe. Bizarre.

And why all the sparkles and lace on the clothes? It’s not the Oscars, for Pete’s sake. Does Jesus love you more if you wear bugle beads and sequins? Does glitter get you a promotion to a higher level of Heaven? Does lace trick St. Peter into thinking you’re extra holy when you’re being checked in at the pearly gates?

And one more thing: suits. The glitter is on suits, not dresses. Oh, the suits have different colors and somewhat varied shapes, but they’re all definitely suits. Jacket with buttons and a matching skirt (generously below-the-knee of course). The jackets have dangly beaded thingees with sequins attached. Or lace made from metallic thread. Maybe it’s just for convenience, so they don’t have to run home and change their clothes before heading to the disco after church.

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Delusional Bible Guy

There's so much material here. hmmm....Where to start?

This dude begins by saying the Earth is a cube with 4 corners and our clock is an evil plot. It continues with incoherent ranting and raving about the stupidity of Americans, God, and the fact that it's ok to kill nonbelievers. Yeah, you read that right! /:| Need I even mention the requisite racist comments?

Oh, I know, you're thinking, "How can he get the Hot Mess Sundae Award in the Delusional Bible Guy category?" Well that's because I just lump 'em all together. ;)

"Dr. Gene Ray, Cube Phenomenologist and THE WISEST HUMAN
The ONLY Official Site for Gene Ray/TimeCube.
Gene Ray is sole Authority on Harmonic Time Cube.
Collection of raw data on this Site will empower the Greatest Book ever written. That includes Bibles and Academic Scientific Books. Stop evil Ad Hominemism."

Hot Mess Sundae Award: Bizarre Church Lady Stuff

What can I say? A friend gave me these beauts. The envelope has writing on both the front and the back, in ALL CAPS of course, with some random words highlighted in electric yellow. Inside there are a few pamphlets, all with crosses and Jesus on them. The black-and-white one is particularly strange. Random words are in ALL CAPS, bold, or underlined in red.

Apparently if you become a member of the Seed Harvest Plan (some donation scheme no doubt), you will be cured of Cancer, addictions, and of the ever-so-terrible Low Income Syndrome. Yes, all you have to do is donate your cash to this group and God will zap you with his Special Wealth Lightning Bolts.

There are two pages of testimonials. Curious--God seems to dole out his Financial Blessings in small doses. He seems to give only $3000 - $24,750. Maybe the economy is hurting the Almighty too.

Of special interest is the sealed inner flyer that says, "IMPORTANT - Only break open this sealed prophecy after you have put this Postcard and your prayer requests back in the mail..." [No, that's not me going crazy with my caps button. It's actually captialized that way.]

So we broke open the seal without sending the cash, of course. We were hoping for lottery numbers. What we got is an entire page in ALL CAPS again, that says a load of nothing. Well, I take that back. It does say I will feel the INNER POWER OF CHRIST GROWING INSIDE ME.

I think I do feel the inner power growing inside me!!!1! Or is that just the bran muffins I had for breakfast?

Disturbing TV ad

Have you seen the new ad--I think it's for some sort of gum--set in a laundromat? I can't even remember what product it's advertising, since the plot is so stupid and bizarre.

A couple is in a laundromat I think. They kiss, and all of a sudden, the woman starts spinning around while still maintaining full lip contact. The camera goes back to show the full body shot. Kind of looks like a windmill.

Very strange, and somewhat disturbing really. I'll post a link to the video if I find one.

Kevin Trudeau

Unbelievable. How is this guy not in prison?

I am still seeing his mug on infomercials for his book, even though he’s allegedly a convicted felon, keeps writing books that get poor reviews, and in the past was ordered by a federal court not to do infomercials for his books.

http://www.ftc.gov/opa/2009/01/trudeau.shtm

http://www.ftc.gov/opa/2004/09/trudeaucoral.shtm

http://www3.ftc.gov/opa/2007/09/trudeau.shtm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Trudeau

http://www.randi.org/site/index.php/jref-news/500-pigasus-awards-for-2008-announced.html

Apparently his books suck too! His latest travesty, Debt Cures THEY Don’t Want You to Know About, now has an average 2.5 star rating on Amazon.com. LOL

For the best entertainment, read the book review by “J. FERRARA ‘Jay’”. It’s really hilarious.

Here’s a snippet from Jay's review: “Wow what can I say except I have never read anything quite like Debt Cures before in my life! It was a total surprise. I can't believe this got published. Is this a 2nd grader writing a composition for a teacher who wanted information about clearing up credit card debt? Instead, out of protest he writes a book of twenty-four chapters of mostly repeat information. About sixty percent of the book is repeated over and over. What are usable lies in about thirty pages of this three hundred page book which can be found in other sources.”

What is a pandemic?

"What is an influenza pandemic?

A disease epidemic occurs when there are more cases of that disease than normal.

A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic of a disease."

--World Health Organization

Personally I think some people hear the word "pandemic" and either say it's all hype or freak out, thinking we're all doomed. Neither is what the word actually means.

How to be a skeptic without much knowledge of science

I’m always hearing about new scientific findings. It can be hard to determine what’s true, but it can be done. Here’s how.

1. Consider the source’s credentials. Try to find the same evidence being reported and interpreted by more than one reputable scientific source. This includes original sources such as scientists or publications written by the scientists. It does not include any random person who runs a website, writes a blog, etc. The writer should be a person who holds the appropriate credentials in his/her field (not a dentist writing about dermatology).
2. Consider the source’s motives. Find out who is funding the research and who’s involved. Is a for-profit company making claims about their own products?
3. Ignore most conspiracy theories and fear-mongering. These are usually gimmicks to get gullible people to pay attention and take action without pausing to consider the facts. “Fear-mongering” is not the same as valid, evidence-based warnings issued by scientists. Fear-mongering plays on emotions and is not based on fact.
4. Study design should include enough time/participants to ensure conclusions are valid. If 100% of cancer patients in a study who took a yoga class had their cancer go into remission, but there were only 20 cancer patients in the study, there is inadequate information to draw a conclusion.
5. Consider methods used to study the issue. Were there any flaws in the methods that might have rendered the conclusions unreliable?
6. Consider generalizability. Are the conclusions really applicable to the general public?
7. Consider other evidence. Check out information from studies on the same or similar topics. Meta-analyses are great sources of information because they compile information from many studies instead of just one.
8. Look for random double-blind placebo-controlled designs. In double-blind studies, the researcher and the participant (subject) are unaware of which group (treatment or placebo) the subject is assigned to. Placebo means that a group receives exactly the same medication (or situation) except for the one factor being studied. Participants should be randomly assigned to their groups.
9. Consider your own bias. Are you a smoker who doesn’t want to hear that your secondhand smoke caused your wife’s heart attack? We all have biases. Make sure you’re aware of them so you don’t discount valid information.
10. Consider margins of error. When a study involves sampling, the margin of error is a description of how much variation could be expected to exist in the universe (entire body being studied). Imagine someone claims the rate of absinthe use in your college doubled last year, but there were only 2 absinthe users to begin with. Your college has 20,000 students. The margin of error makes it impossible to draw a conclusion that the rate actually increased, because it was so small to begin with. Sampling may explain the differences.
11. Ignore most “quick fixes”. Anyone who claims you can cure Cancer by drinking water or fix your debt by buying a book is probably wrong.

A good article on this subject: http://www.ific.org/publications/reviews/scientificir.cfm

Honest Spammer

Got a funny spam message in my inbox today. The subject line was:

We don't have time to change our subject lines each day, please buy our products

LOL!

Moans from .......?

Once I was at a friend's house and kept hearing moans, oohs, and aahs. I asked him what it was and he said he wasn't sure. A few hours later, I went to put a DVD in and realized.......there was already one in there, still playing, on continuous loop.......porn.

LOL

A Real 40-Year-Old Virgin

Do you think some people are truly asexual, or are they just sexually repressed?

So there's this woman who is on my Top 10 List of Strangest People I've Known This Decade. She is 40 and still lives with her parents. They treat her like she's a 4-year-old. They cook and clean for her, do her errands, etc.

She's been morbidly obese her entire life. Except for a few stints with Jenny Craig, when she claims she "looked really really good". I find that a tad bit unlikely. I'm sorry to say, but she is not blessed with visible assets. I tried to picture her after she lost weight, but I still am dubious.

I realize people's faces change dramatically, but do your eyeballs lose weight? Her eyeballs are larger than any human being's I've ever seen. By faaaar, too. It has crossed my mind that she is one of the grey aliens. One day I will hear the mother ship hovering and she will shape shift before my normal-sized eyes.

She has some other deformities and is extremely large boned. I'm not sure any amount of Sweating to the Oldies is going to change the unfortunate curse Mother Nature has cast upon her, but I'm rooting for her anyway.

She also has a really bad dandruff problem. Like if you are sitting near her and she turns her head, you'll get it on you. She has a habit of brushing it off her shoulders without giving you notice to get out of the way, too. It's really gross. Once she mentioned it, and I suggested an ointment. She later told me it worked but it was too much bother to use, so the snowfall continues. It's really, really gross. When we eat together, I protect my plate and try not to inhale deeply. Srsly.

She's got a boatload of issues, and big ones--not wimpy ones, like, say, Cancer. (Just kidding there, come on! I'm trying to point out how serious her issues are. Aaaaaaaanyway........)

She's a huge, vocal bigot. This seems like someone in a glass house throwing stones for a lot of reasons, especially since she doesn't know the ethnicity of her biological parents.

She's got a lot of obsessions and isn't willing to get help. She's a compulsive overeater. (Might I add, with atrocious table manners? She does an odd thing with her tongue, kind of pushing the food around her mouth with her lips slightly parted, so you can see Digestion in Action.)

She's a total hypochondriac. No, I mean a real one. She has been tested, diagnosed, and treated for more imaginary illnesses than I can count.

One time she got a tiny pimple and was out of work for 10 days. She went to a surgeon about the pimple, getting her appointment on an emergency basis because it was so "urgent". The night before, she just couldn't wait, so she put a hot washcloth on it. She claims it was so hot that it gave her 3rd degree burns--she never gets 1st degree anything. She is unable to explain why she didn't just take it off when it began to burn.

She convinced the surgeon to prescribe antibiotics, then had a rash and upset stomach as a result of the antibiotics, so she had to stay out of work for 2 weeks.

Another time, she had a speckle of blood in her stool. Once. She went to several specialists and finally found one who agreed to do a colonoscopy. She couldn't figure out why no one thought the procedure was necessary. I mean, a morbidly obese compulsive overeater having one fleck of blood in her stool one time in 40 years isn't of concern?

The doctor didn't see anything wrong inside her pipes, but took a random biopsy to be sure. You know, since they were in the neighborhood. Then she went around telling everyone and their brother, and the poor UPS man who just wanted her to sign for a package so he could get the Hell outta there, that she had Colon Cancer. When I explored this for further details, she admitted she didn't have anything wrong with her colon. I suggested she get professional help at that point, but she won't.

This woman will literally mention her body functions and imagined ailments about every 5 minutes or so. It is really frustrating to be around her. Even when in groups or making small talks with random strangers, she diverts the conversation back to her gas, Cancer, or illness du jour.

And she's a never-been-kissed 40-year-old. That's right, she's never dated. She says she wants to date and constantly has crushes on one sexy male actor or another. She truly believes if she just gets in the front row at the next screening, he will see her and fall madly in love with her, as long as she's wearing her girdle. As if the girdle has superpowers to overcome all of her behavioral, emotional, and beauty deficiencies........

Once she mentioned that she hadn't ever had a boyfriend and asked if I thought that was abnormal. When people ask these questions, do they really expect you to answer? I suppose not, so I answered. ;) "Yes, that is abnormal."

She is incredulous when someone IRL gets married, or if one of her movie star crushes get married. She compares herself to the bride, cannot identify any differences, and is confused. One time a popular, attractive young star married a healthy, successful, beautiful model. I had to listen to hours of discussion about why it is confusing that he didn't marry her instead.

She said she is asexual, although she has "done other things"......which, come to find out, amounted to holding hands with one of her platonic friends when he was drunk.

Do asexual people spend hours each day obsessing about what their favorite opposite-sex movie star is doing and how to hook up?

FMAO

Coined a new term today.
Freezing
My
A88
Off!!!

It is one of those days when frostbite sets in at the moment you begin to even think about going outdoors.

Your nose is so frozen, you can't feel it dripping.

Your toes are so frozen, you can't walk properly.

Your ears are so frozen, they feel as though you've poured chile peppers on them.

Lovely.

Nude Figure Drawing

So I've done nude figure drawing. Do you want to hear about it?

[You said nude. *Beevis and Butthead laugh*]

In a college drawing course, the professor announced we'd be doing figure drawing the next week. She didn't mention there would be naked people milling around the art building. Students were whispering to each other after class, trying to figure out if there would be nudes.

Day 1 arrives. There is a fugly troll of a woman standing by the entrance unabashedly smoking in a dirty, threadbare, transparent white t-shirt which came barely to the bottom of her lady bits. And nothing else. Her cottage cheese butt cheeks were hanging out the back. Apparently it was too much of a bother to put on undergarments to go outdoors. Her business was dark and clearly distinguishable.

This is a conservative college! Now I happen to think the human body is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of, but for the love of FSM, put some gosh darn pants on when you leave the room!

Ms. Rumpelstilkskin was completely uninhibited while posing, making extra effort to spread her legs in the most unpleasant of poses. *shudders*

I mean, I do not know what educational purpose it serves to show me your apricot. Her choice of grooming was the circa 1970 bush and unshaven legs. These things didn't help to make her easier on the eye. But Hell, I'm a woman--I've got the same hardware, just a newer, sleeker model--so I deal with it.

Surviving that, Day 2 arrives. There is a naked creepy sort of man milling around in the classroom with the blinds and door wide open.

The other students had wisely decided to arrive early to get the easels furthest away from the model, so I'm stuck with the closest. He kind of looked albino and kept throwing long icy stares to the females, mostly me, since I was handiest. At one point I made a silent vow to myself to make a haste getaway if the flagpole decided to make an appearance.

I was pretty...um...nieve at the time and trying to not freak out too much.

I busily focus on my artwork to divert my nervous energy. The professor notices I've finished most of my drawing except for the nether region. She turns off the lights and points a spotlight directly at his twigs and berries, and gets him to spread his legs further, with his weird albino* curlies. All I can think about is the James Bond movie with the evil creepy albino.

He put himself in a yoga pose.....which added to the silliness of the moment. I tried to keep a straight face. The other students were about ready to faint dead away and mouthing sympathies to me.

I hesitate whilst pretending to be in deep artistic contemplation. This apparently did not fool the professor, who took my hand and showed me how to draw his crotch in great detail, narrating it as she goes. The narration was necessary, apparently, to ensure I noticed every wrinkle and contour of his manhood.

*Before the entire albino population lashes out at me: I have nothing against melanin-challenged people. I have many friends who are melanin-challenged. I think melanin-challenged people should be able to.......wait a minute! Wrong group! Ok, no srsly, no harm intended. The fact that his pubic hair and eyes were absent of color simply added to the overwhelming sensory experience of it all, and I had to mention it.

Welcome to my lair

This is my first blog, so go easy on me. ;)

I'm a fairly normal woman who has led a somewhat abnormal life, leading me to have a variety of unusual experiences. I have many stories to tell!

My game plan here is to write about my experiences, past and present, in whatever order they pop into my head. They will not be told in sequential order, and there will be lots of confusing flashbacks....so don't try to figure out the time line...just relax and go with it. Kind of like watching Lost.

I've run into many quirky, outlandish, even vile characters. I plan to enthrall you with retellings of my exploits and adventures.

I can't tell you more about my personal life because I'm a superhero. I promised the Justice League I wouldn't let anyone know who I really am.

Enjoy!