Hot Mess Sundae Award: Bad Churchy Fashion

So what is it with certain Xian groups and their peculiar clothes?

There is one particular group—not sure what it is, maybe 7th Day Adventists or Born-Again Xians—that has attire all its own. It’s as if they are orbiting in their own universe, in a bubble, completely oblivious of fashion outside its own little microcosm.

First of all are the hats. I mean, I love the hats. I personally look terrible in them, but I think they are way kewl. They’re really sculptural—architectural even. The colors and embellishments are resplendent. Who doesn’t love an excuse to wear feathers?

{I wonder what the hats are all about though. I suspect they’re required for women to show submission to males as mentioned in the Bible, which is sick. If so, I take back all my compliments about the hats.}

Below the neck, that’s where they lose me. I guess I’d get kicked out of that church for my sensible shoes, let alone my resolute refusal to believe that penis people are superior to non-penis people.

Let me just digress for a moment to tell you about an important civil rights issue that’s largely ignored: women’s shoes. They are beautiful, tiny torture devices. No woman’s foot is shaped like a point. To train your toes to point inward is really an aberration of nature, and we should all be up in arms about it.

Instead, we l-o-v-e our torture devices. We pay lots of money for them. We ooh and aah over them in the shop window. Can you imagine us doing this if they were devices designed to beautify and permanently deform our hands? Of course not.

Furthermore, it is not terribly normal to walk around on a spike. Platform heels—I don’t mind those as much. At least your foot can be fooled into thinking it’s on the ground. Hiking your heel up a few inches in the air, while leaving the ball of the foot on the ground to absorb the shock, is an idea conceived by a misogynistic serial killer—I’m sure of it.

Is there an evangelist uniform? I saw about 150 of them outside a church recently, and I’d say 90% of them were wearing hats, strange sparkly clothes, and muffin tops.

What’s up with wearing shoes that are 3 sizes too small? It creates a ‘muffin top’ sort of effect on the foot, whereby the swelling and fat around the ankle and top of the foot form a puffy crest over the top of the shoe. Bizarre.

And why all the sparkles and lace on the clothes? It’s not the Oscars, for Pete’s sake. Does Jesus love you more if you wear bugle beads and sequins? Does glitter get you a promotion to a higher level of Heaven? Does lace trick St. Peter into thinking you’re extra holy when you’re being checked in at the pearly gates?

And one more thing: suits. The glitter is on suits, not dresses. Oh, the suits have different colors and somewhat varied shapes, but they’re all definitely suits. Jacket with buttons and a matching skirt (generously below-the-knee of course). The jackets have dangly beaded thingees with sequins attached. Or lace made from metallic thread. Maybe it’s just for convenience, so they don’t have to run home and change their clothes before heading to the disco after church.